Sermon: There is No Fear in Love

PL 7 There Is No Fear in Love Cynthia O’Brien
Ps 118, 1 John October 23, 2005

Psalm 118

PS 118:1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.
PS 118:6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
PS 118:7 The LORD is with me; he is my helper.
I will look in triumph on my enemies.
PS 118:8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in man.
PS 118:9 It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in princes.
PS 118:13 I was pushed back and about to fall,
but the LORD helped me.
PS 118:14 The LORD is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.

1 John 4:16b-21

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 17 In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.


There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.

We have a saying in our family: Sisters love each other. I suppose you can’t make it true by just saying it, but when the girls fight, we say that we will not tolerate fighting and name calling, and the positive way we say it is that Sisters Love Each Other.

I learned this from my mom. When my brother and I would fight, which we did all the time, she used to say “Your home should be the one place.” Especially when she became a single parent and there were tremendous pressures on her, she claimed the safety of the home. She taught us that we must be kind to her and to each other, that home should be the one place that is safe, where you know you are loved and accepted.

It makes sense, doesn’t it? Some say, Your home is your castle. A fortress, a place of refuge from the attacks of the world. A place of safety.

But for many people, home is not a refuge. It is not a place of safety. It is a place of fear.

Nancy Nason-Clark tells in her book about John and Sarah. They have been married for 28 years and during most of that time they have been desperately unhappy. He calls her degrading names. During the winter months when he is out of work, he often gets very angry and sometimes resorts to hitting or pushing her to get his own way.

As a result, Sarah has become depressed and feels that she is not worth much inside or outside her home. She comes to church on Sunday alone, and during the week she stays pretty close to the farm. There are very few times that Sarah is seen with anyone except her husband.

Why do so many men abuse their wives?

Sometimes a man does not feel powerful, and he resorts to violence to maintain his dominant position in the marriage. If he has problems at work or unemployment, he may start abusing. Men who have a low self esteem to begin with, have a greater chance of using force when they perceive their power challenged.

It is said that at least half, up to 3 /4 of abusers grew up in a violent home. They either witnessed abuse or experienced it themselves. One research institute argues that boys who saw their father beat their mother are 1,000 times more likely to be violent adults than boys who never had that experience.

There is some evidence that in some couples, both women and men initiate violence equally. But in the majority of cases, it is the man, not the woman, who controls whether there is violence in the home. Social worker Larry Bennet says that many violent men claim that their wives can be violent, too, but none of the violent men he has counseled have ever said that they were afraid to go home at night.

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Why can’t women leave violent homes?

Fear is the number one reason. She fears for her future, fears further violence and fears for the lives of her children. She fears that her friends will not believe her, or won’t help her if she tells. Fear makes women lie about the reality of the abuse – she will tell people she fell down the stairs. Fear keeps them from seeing the choices they might have. They spend all their energy trying to keep their secret.

Finances is another reason. Many abusive men are good providers. If she doesn’t have personal economic resources, how will she provide for her children? Where could she go? Who would help her? The more economically dependent she is, the more likely it is that she will stay, continue to feel worse about herself to the point that she tells herself that she deserves the battering.

Then there’s the fantasy… the hope that he will change. After violence there may be pleas for forgiveness. Women, especially religious women, cling to the belief that their violent husband wants to and will change. Some religious women feel that marriage is forever no matter how cruel their husband’s treatment, that God will not permit them to leave.

What does God value? God is the God of love, of peace, of safety. Both the OT and the NT denounce violence.

Because of violence the earth was destroyed. Genesis 6: “Now the earth was corrupt in God’s sight, and the earth was filled with violence… And God said to Noah, “I have determined to make an end of all flesh, for the earth is filled with violence because of them.” Gen 6:11, 13

Violence is associated with Satan in Ezek 28:16. Prov 4:17: “The wicked drink the wine of violence.” Prov 13:2 “The unfaithful have a craving for violence.”

Old Testament law made special provision to prevent violence within the home. In Exodus 21:26-27, if a man hits his servant in the eye or tooth and destroys it, the man must give the servant his or her freedom.

Malachi 2:16 “I hate a man’s covering his wife with violence, says the Lord Almighty.”

The Bible gives no justification for a man’s abusing his wife, but many try to make a justification. One man, when asked why he had beaten his wife, said this:

(Nancy Nason Clark, No Place For Abuse, p. 119)
Rebellious and stubborn, that’s what she is. And I believe firmly in the Bible. So I have the means, even hitting. I want to do and have done all that I can to make her like other women. You cannot stand the order of creation on its head. Only the man is the Lord of Creation, and he cannot allow himself to be dominated by women folk. So hitting has been my way of marking, that I’m a man, a masculine man, no softie of a man, no cushy type.

This is wrong. This is the kind of person of whom Peter wrote, in 2 Peter 3:16,

which ignorant and unstable people distort, as they do the other Scriptures, to their own destruction.

Here’s a word to both the victim and the abuser: God does not condone violence, especially not in a marriage.

The Biblical book of 1 John talks all about love, and one of the most beautiful passages is the one that was read this morning: 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.

You can’t be living in fear and also loving at the same time. You may very well love your husband, but the covenant is being broken. He vowed to love and to cherish you. Is this what it means to cherish?

You hear him say he is a Christian, but John writes,
20 If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar.

No matter how challenging your life is, you must not tolerate abuse in your relationship. That is not love. If it happens, you need to seek out trained people to help. The church is a safe place to tell.

Here is a reminder to the church: We are a safe place. If a woman needs to tell you that she is living in fear, you may be shocked, but you must be careful not to make one of the four big errors that church people make. (from Nancy Nason Clark, No Place for Abuse)
Error #1: Denial. We don’t want to admit that abuse does exist in Christian homes. This prevents us from being ready to help. Jesus said “You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free” John 8:32. It is only when we acknowledge the sad facts that we can be God’s servants in addressing the evil.

Error #2: Secrecy and Silence. We must not cover it up, either because we don’t know what to do, or because we think it will look bad for the church. It’s worse for us if we refuse to address the problem in our midst.

Error #3: Discouraging a victim from finding shelter. An older adult friend of mine told me last week, “Our daughter came to us and said that she was having a problem in her marriage. She even had the car packed. But she didn’t say anything else, so we told her to go back to her husband and work it out. We had no idea.” We need to know what the resources are. I have given you numbers and I want you to keep them, or know where to find them in your phone book, so that when you find that someone you know is in need, you’ll know where to call.

Error #4: Presuming on God’s protection. Many believers say she should go back, and God will protect her. We know that is not true. Jesus even said it was wrong to put onesself in a life threatening situation. When Satan challenged Jesus to hurl himself from the roof of the temple so that the angels might bear him up, Jesus said, “Do not put your Lord God to the test.” The seventh commandment implies that we should take every possible step to prevent murder.

The Good News is that God provides a hiding place and a refuge, often outside the immediate community of faith. Rahab helped the Hebrew spies to escape from Jericho (Josh 2:15). David found safety for his parents with the King of Moab (1 Sam 22:2-4). Elijah found safety outside the community of faith in the home of a Phoenician widow (1 Kings 17)

We prayed last week that God would open the eyes of our hearts, that God would enable us to see the truth and to act according to God’s will. This is a hard work, but it is essential to our Christian faith that we care for the hurting among us. Let every abused woman within the reach of this congregation know without a doubt that God is for her. Let every abusive man that knows one of us discover that God has help for him. Let all who are thirsty receive the living water.

Let us pray:

Creator God,
we ask, O Lord, that you would open our eyes to see
the suffering of victims around the world and in our community.
Give us ears to hear their cries and hearts that will not rest
until we have done our part to apply your healing balm to their wounds.
Keep each one of us from violence.
Bring peace and safety to each home,
that all of us may say that home is the place where we are loved and accepted.
Amen.

Prayer from Nancy Nason Clark, No Place for Abuse