Sermon: Domestic Violence 1

PL 4 When it’s too hot or too cold Cynthia O’Brien
Ephesians 5 October 16, 2005
Galatians 5

EPH 5:15 Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. 19 Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

EPH 5:21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

GAL 5:16 So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. 17 For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.

GAL 5:19 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

GAL 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.


Back in the summer, the elders and deacons suggested that I preach on Christian marriage and parenting, on issues that affect people’s lives. I thought that after preaching on romance and intimacy last week, that this week I might address problems in relationships.

In some marriages, on a given fall evening, the biggest problem they have is whether the room is too cold or too hot. But in other marriages, the cold defines their whole relationship. Jesus even used this metaphor: Their love has grown cold. I wanted to talk about that.

I also wanted to talk about marriages which have grown too hot – where heated arguments and verbal abuse are the norm, where it’s not about submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ, but it’s about manipulation and control. I wanted to mention the very real problem of domestic violence.

It’s the latter subject, domestic abuse, that has taken over today’s message, especially since I went to a workshop Saturday about it. This was at Metro Church of Christ in Gresham. I heard an international expert, Nancy Nason-Clark, speaking on the subject of Domestic Abuse: The Silence of Faith Communities.

If I stay silent, I become part of the problem, and I have been part of the problem every time I’ve missed the opportunity to listen to someone who is in trouble. So let me talk to you about it.

The subject of domestic abuse is a sensitive subject in churches. We are nice people. We can’t imagine that the nice woman sitting in the next pew might be afraid to go home after church, or that the nice man who helps out all the time has put his wife in the emergency room three times this year. We see a friend with a black eye and we make a joke about it, rather than rightfully wondering whether she is safe.

Talking about domestic violence is important because it affects lives right here in this church. I know this applies to some of you, but I don’t tell your story to anyone and I won’t tell it today. Others of you may be in a difficult situation unknown to me, and you’ve been afraid to say anything.

Story of Martha and Daniel, First Presbyterian Church of Birch Grove. (No Place for Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence, Catherine Clark Kroeger and Nancy Nason-Clark, IVP 2001.)

Domestic violence exists in every country, in every neighborhood.

40 percent of pastors say that they have preached a sermon on abuse. But 95% of church women report they have never heard a sermon on abuse.
58 % of church women have helped an abused woman. But many Christian women who have been abused do not feel that the term “abused woman” applies to them.
A seminary student who abused his wife told Nancy Nason Clark, “No one ever told me it was wrong.”


But the church is a safe place, right? Not always.

March 4, 2005 A United Methodist News Feature By Allysa Adams

The first time Debbie Harsh was beaten by her husband, the injuries sent her to the hospital. She was scared, demoralized and confused. When she was released from the hospital, she got out of the house, got a restraining order and immediately turned to the only place she felt safe: her church.

She says now, "I always thought that the church would be the first place you go for help.”

But the pastors at her nondenominational Christian church didn't know how to help Debbie. They had good intentions. They sent her to a Christian counselor. The counselor urged her to forgive her husband and drop the order of protection against him.

Debbie says, “The counselor's message was that wives submit to your husband and husbands are the head of the house ... and he pointed out to me that I didn't have my husband's permission for that order of protection.”

When she returned to her husband, the violence continued. She was afraid for her life and the safety of their two daughters, Debbie finally left her 16-year marriage for good in 2000 - against the advice of her pastors and church leaders.

She said, "The pastors wanted to be sure that I wouldn't pursue a divorce, and being beat up by a husband wasn't grounds for divorce. Only sexual (in)fidelity was grounds for divorce."

Debbie founded Domestic Violence Education: An Interfaith Project, and now she works to educate the faith community in Tucson, Ariz., about domestic violence. Since 2003, she has spoken to churches, synagogues, Sunday school classes, church social action committees and other religious groups.

She says, "I can't think of any better place than a faith community-a church-to help victims of family violence.”

The Rev. Paul Caseman, senior pastor at St. Marks United Methodist Church in Tucson, participated in one of the program's seminars to prepare himself to deal with incidents of domestic violence in his congregation and community.

"Sometimes domestic violence is one of those issues we put on the back burner and say, 'Surely domestic violence is not happening in our church,'" Caseman said. "That's naiveté on our part to believe that."

According to the Faith Trust Institute, one-third of all women in relationships report being abused in some way by their husband or boyfriend.

"I think we're all aware that domestic violence is out there. I think when we hear the personal stories and the roles that the churches so often do not play, we realize our unawareness leads to more domestic violence," he said.

__________

Honestly, the good people in most churches simply cannot believe that domestic violence is in their congregations. Abusers can be good at hiding it, and women don’t want to report it. They say that it takes an average of 35 incidents before a woman will report that she is being abused.

Certainly, if her church doesn’t want to hear about it, if her pastor is not supportive, she will not turn to her church for help. But if she hears it preached from the pulpit, and if she finds friends who have time to listen, she might just tell her story.

Every time a pastor preaches about domestic violence and affirms the church’s care for victims, someone always comes forward afterwards and says, “Yes, that’s my story, but I didn’t tell before because I didn’t know how you would react.”

If that’s you, please know I am willing to hear your story, and to care for you, and to respect what you are going through, and to give you resources and find help. Your deacons and elders and church staff and I will be there for you.

I’m going to pick this up again next week. I had planned to talk about wedding vows next Sunday, and I will in a couple of weeks, but there’s more I want to share with you on this subject. What should you be able to expect in the way of safety from a marriage? What does God require of a battered wife?

Next Sunday is the day to bring a friend who needs to hear a message from God. It is a message to women that she should be able to be safe in her home, that she is worth something even if she has had a lifetime of people saying she is worthless and stupid.

It will also be a message to those in positions of power, that the Bible is clear that it is never OK to abuse another person, and that God offers help for the person with an anger problem. We will have resources available in the bulletin. We will also talk about what you should do when you suspect someone is being abused, or when a victim confides in you.

Today is the day that the elders and I offer prayers for healing with the laying on of hands and the anointing with oil. Anyone is welcome to come forward and kneel, or go back to the narthex, and let the elder pray for you. Michael will be in the narthex, Bob and Eric and I will be here at the front. In addition to our usual prayers for healing, if you know someone who is a victim or a perpetrator, I want you to come up and receive a prayer for them. No one is watching you or judging you – if others see you come forward, they are simply praying for God to answer your prayer.