Surviving the Holidays…
Be Aware of Family Dynamics
Family dynamics can become strained at holiday gatherings for a variety of reasons: adult children may slip into old roles while parents feel taken for granted. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you negotiate your familial relationships:
- Don't Regress: You're not 8. You, your parents, your siblings and all of your assorted relatives are complicated adults. You all have your own lives, concerns and needs. Everyone wants to be loved, and everyone fears going unnoticed.
- Be Sensitive: Families change through divorce, marriage, death, illness, birth and all the other unpredictable events that keep life interesting. Be sensitive to how these changes affect your family members especially during the holidays.
- Go Easy on Mom: Psychologist William Doherty explains that one person is typically assigned to "take on the emotional and physical responsibility for the holiday" and "actualize the cultural belief that the family is one big harmonious group." That person is usually mom, but no matter who it is in your family, don't take this person's role for granted. Help in the kitchen, grease the wheels of dinner conversation and let this person know that they're loved.
Respect Your Differences
It's not always easy to make conversation with a family member who doesn't share your politics or worldview, but everyone deserves a fair shake. Here a few things to keep in mind when dealing with difference around the dinner table:
- Be Empathetic: Take the time to understand where people are coming from, and you'll have a much easier time interacting with them in general.
- Be Attentive: People are pretty interesting. They also like to talk about themselves. Ask your family members questions, and listen to their answers. Did they ever meet someone famous? Were they in a war? How did they meet their spouse? You never know what you'll discover.
- Don't Discipline Anyone Else's Children: People have very particular ideas about child-rearing. Even if a child is throwing mushy peas at your head, do not discipline the child.
- Don't Criticize: Don't ask your adult children if they're dating, when they're going to have children or whether or not they could stand to lose a little weight.
- Differentiate Between Public and Private: While you may be amongst friends and family, wait for a quieter moment to come out to mom and dad or announce that you're dropping out of college. Don't force someone to perform his or her response in front of others.
- Accommodate Special Dietary Needs: Make vegetarians and those with special dietary needs feel included by providing a couple of alternatives dishes, and don't feel insulted if they can't eat everything you've prepared.
Dealing with Difficult People
If you must invite an especially difficult person to dinner, you may need a few conflict management tricks up your sleeve to make it to dessert.
- Choose Your Behavior: Remember you can't change someone else, but you can control your response. Favor logic rather than emotion when dealing with a difficult person.
- Acknowledge Comments: Be honest when someone says something inappropriate or hurtful. Being too polite can result in a blow-up. Sometimes simply saying "I heard you" is enough.
- Use Humor: Humor can diffuse even the most volatile situations, but be careful. Don't make a joke at anyone's expense but your own.
- Team Up: Talk to a family member you get along with well before dinner. Come up with a couple of strategies to manage a difficult person.
- Create a Refuge: If you're feeling overwhelmed, excuse yourself. Take refuge in another room.
- Call a Friend: Sometimes contact with the "outside world" can help put things in perspective quickly.
- Don't Drink Too Much: Having too much alcohol can make dealing with difficult people even more difficult. You need to keep your cool, and alcohol won't help.
