PL 8 – Recreating Relationships (Mid Life Crisis) Cynthia O’Brien
Hebrews 12:28-13:6 October 30, 2005
Isaiah 55:1-9 Reformation Sunday
ISA 55:1 "Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters;
and you who have no money, come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live.
ISA 55:6 Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near.
Hebrews 12:28-13:6
HEB 12:28 Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, 29 for our "God is a consuming fire."
HEB 13:1 Keep on loving each other as brothers. 2 Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it. 3 Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.
HEB 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. 5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,
"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
HEB 13:6 So we say with confidence,
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
What is mid life?
Don Marquis said it is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.
When you are too young to get Social Security and too old to get another job
Ogden Nash said it’s when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.
Bennett Cerf said it is when your old classmates are so gray and bald and wrinkled that they don’t recognize you.
Sidney Brody said it’s when you are warned to slow down – not by a policeman, but by your doctor.
When you want to see how long your car will last instead of how fast it will go.
Norm Wright, Understanding the Man in Your Life, chapter 9
“Middle age is when you have lived half of his probable lifespan.
It is a state of mind.
Men sense the passage of time and may have a change of values and a change in his view of life. This is a time when men come face to face with fulfilled and unfulfilled dreams, achievements, goals and relationships. There is a transition in thinking, from “if I die” to “when I die.” Many men look at their lives and think of the things they had hoped for and how little they feel they have acccomplished.
We often make a big deal of turning 40 but underneath the fun and celebration may be another set of feelings. What if I made the wrong decisions? What do I really want for myself? Am I satisfied? Can I be satisfied? What if I work for all this and don’t live to enjoy it? Is this all there is to life? Many men feel these words from Dante’s Inferno:
In the middle of the journey of our life,
I came to myself in a dark wood,
Where the right way was lost.
They are one foot in youth and the other in maturity.
In my favorite Shakespeare play, Much Ado About Nothing, Beatrice is asked if she will ever marry, and her uncle says,
LEONATO
You may light on a husband that hath no beard.
BEATRICE
What should I do with him? dress him in my appareland make him my waiting-gentlewoman? He that hath abeard is more than a youth, and he that hath nobeard is less than a man: and he that is more thana youth is not for me, and he that is less than aman, I am not for him…
This can be the prime of life or the time of despair. This is the time when men discover that nothing they do can prevent old age. They see their parents die, their body changing and younger people moving ahead of them and taking over.
How do they react? Many resist. The resistance can take many forms – avoidance and denial, or moving ahead in life with blinders on. Others pursue what they feel they are losing or have never had. The big four: Power, sex, status, money. But the ultimate emptiness of the big four can make him despair even more. Accumulating more money, dominating more people, climbing higher at work and seducing younger women do not satisfy, but they are a common pattern.
Story – from the book Clergy Couples in Crisis. A young pastor and his wife came to a new church of about 70 members. Soon a family left the church, then another. When the third family left, they were not only missed but now the church budget was in trouble. The pastor began to think, “What if I didn’t have this wife? Maybe she’s the problem. What would it be like to be married to someone else?” It sounds terrible, but can you see how people will sometimes place blame on their spouse for their troubles?
Several of us in the church attended a workshop this weekend called “Laugh Your Way to A Better Marriage” with Mark Gungor. He’s very insightful and very opinionated and gave us a lot to think about.
Mark says that one problem we have is believing that there is only one right person to marry. Not just a good person, not just a suitable person, but The One and Only Right Person. You know, everyone wants to find “their soul mate.” The church has perpetuated this by saying “God has that one special person for you.” The problem with this, besides that it’s not biblical, is twofold. One, it hurts young people preparing for marriage. Many couples today are together for years without getting married because they are just not sure they have found “the right person.”
This can also hurt you in midlife, if you begin to wonder whether you married the wrong person. Mark said that people come to him and say, “My marriage isn’t going well. Maybe it wasn’t God’s will for me to marry her.” Mark said “Did you say I do? If you said I do, then it was God’s will.” It’s not nearly as much about who you married as about what you do with your marriage. That’s probably true more often than not.
It is so easy, especially in mid life, to focus on the lacks and negatives of your marriage.
There’s a joke – kind of a sad joke -- about two guys. One says, “I’m through with my marriage.”The friend is stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together.""Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.""Are you bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." "Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
No wonder a man can so easily be tempted by another woman. He forgets the positive things about his own marriage, and with the new woman he sees nothing but positive. This is a delusion. It’s not only wrong, it’s ultimately going to hurt him.
When I was 39 I got the idea that I should plan my midlife crisis – instead of being caught off guard and potentially doing something destructive, I would have a positive life transition. That’s when I got this (toy car), but nothing else happened. It isn’t something you can plan.
The positive transition happened for me when we started planning for my sabbatical. Every pastor in our presbytery is supposed to take a sabbatical after every seven years in a church – When we started planning it, that’s when I started redefining what I wanted from life and what it meant for me to be fully and completely “me,” and how I was going to seek God and what I wanted to be for my husband and my children and whether I was ever going to clean out the garage.
The crisis of midlife is a crisis of values, defining and redefining values.
But it doesn’t have to be a crisis. Everyone experiences some type of midlife transition, but not all experience a crisis. Many times it can be avoided by dealing with the changes. And we can survive the crisis and move ahead. Here is where the help is.
ISA 55:6 Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near.
HEB 13:1 Keep on loving each other HEB 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all,
5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have
As long as we are pursuing the things that don’t satisfy, we will never be content.
Isaiah wrote
Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live.
God knows when you are disillusioned. God knows what your dreams are. God knows you are struggling. That’s why God invites you to find answers that satisfy.
because God has said,
"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
Where can you find the God who will never leave you? Here in the community of faith. In a conversation with another person here. Let another person listen to your struggles. Ask someone to show you hope from the Bible. And in the silence of your own home, in the quiet, in the dark, say a prayer, any prayer at all, to God, and God will never leave you.
HEB 13:6 So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Resource: What is Abuse?
What is Abuse?
Abuse can have various definitions. Abuse is defined as "Any attempt to control another person or group of people by using physical, verbal,emotional, sexual, spiritual, or psychological tactics to instill fearor force another to act through coercion, manipulation, or intimidation."
Abuse involves physical attacks on another. The abuser attempts to control or intimidate another by hitting, slapping, grabbing, pushing, shoving, or any other physical contact that is designed to control their partner's behavior.
Abuse involves verbal, emotional, and psychological attacks on another. The abuser attempts to control or intimidate another by verbally attacking, criticizing, or humiliating another by their words, guilt, or use of shame to control their partner's behavior.
Abuse involves spiritual attacks on another. When an abuser uses spiritual issues, God, or sacred texts to control their partner's behavior they are using spirituality as a method of shame, not honor.
For the abuser abuse is about control. They fear that the spouse may leave so they try to control them. The abuser uses many techniques to control but it is terrorism because he/she wishes to humiliate and control the behavior of the partner or child. Fear and control are the key elements. The more that the abuser feels a loss of control, the more that they attempt to control others.
Pastor Ron Clark, D.Min.
Metro Church of Christ, Gresham
If you are being physically, emotionally, or verbally abused
and you live in the Portland or Vancouver area please call
Portland Women's Crisis line for immediate assistance
(1-888-235-5333 or 503-235-5333). An advocate will be on call 24 hours and will provide help in English, Spanish, or Russian.
You can also call also Raphael House crisis line: 503-222-6222
Human Solutions (shelter): 503-988-5200
Abuse Recovery Ministry: 503-846-9284 arms@integrityonline.com
If you have been physically or verbally abusive to someone,
or feel you have an anger problem, there is help for you. Make the call.
Ron Clark at Metro Church of Christ: 503-667-0773
Don Voeks, community chaplain: 503-666-7410
Abuse can have various definitions. Abuse is defined as "Any attempt to control another person or group of people by using physical, verbal,emotional, sexual, spiritual, or psychological tactics to instill fearor force another to act through coercion, manipulation, or intimidation."
Abuse involves physical attacks on another. The abuser attempts to control or intimidate another by hitting, slapping, grabbing, pushing, shoving, or any other physical contact that is designed to control their partner's behavior.
Abuse involves verbal, emotional, and psychological attacks on another. The abuser attempts to control or intimidate another by verbally attacking, criticizing, or humiliating another by their words, guilt, or use of shame to control their partner's behavior.
Abuse involves spiritual attacks on another. When an abuser uses spiritual issues, God, or sacred texts to control their partner's behavior they are using spirituality as a method of shame, not honor.
For the abuser abuse is about control. They fear that the spouse may leave so they try to control them. The abuser uses many techniques to control but it is terrorism because he/she wishes to humiliate and control the behavior of the partner or child. Fear and control are the key elements. The more that the abuser feels a loss of control, the more that they attempt to control others.
Pastor Ron Clark, D.Min.
Metro Church of Christ, Gresham
If you are being physically, emotionally, or verbally abused
and you live in the Portland or Vancouver area please call
Portland Women's Crisis line for immediate assistance
(1-888-235-5333 or 503-235-5333). An advocate will be on call 24 hours and will provide help in English, Spanish, or Russian.
You can also call also Raphael House crisis line: 503-222-6222
Human Solutions (shelter): 503-988-5200
Abuse Recovery Ministry: 503-846-9284 arms@integrityonline.com
If you have been physically or verbally abusive to someone,
or feel you have an anger problem, there is help for you. Make the call.
Ron Clark at Metro Church of Christ: 503-667-0773
Don Voeks, community chaplain: 503-666-7410
Monday, October 24, 2005
Sermon: There is No Fear in Love
PL 7 There Is No Fear in Love Cynthia O’Brien
Ps 118, 1 John October 23, 2005
Psalm 118
PS 118:1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.
PS 118:6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
PS 118:7 The LORD is with me; he is my helper.
I will look in triumph on my enemies.
PS 118:8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in man.
PS 118:9 It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in princes.
PS 118:13 I was pushed back and about to fall,
but the LORD helped me.
PS 118:14 The LORD is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.
1 John 4:16b-21
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 17 In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.
We have a saying in our family: Sisters love each other. I suppose you can’t make it true by just saying it, but when the girls fight, we say that we will not tolerate fighting and name calling, and the positive way we say it is that Sisters Love Each Other.
I learned this from my mom. When my brother and I would fight, which we did all the time, she used to say “Your home should be the one place.” Especially when she became a single parent and there were tremendous pressures on her, she claimed the safety of the home. She taught us that we must be kind to her and to each other, that home should be the one place that is safe, where you know you are loved and accepted.
It makes sense, doesn’t it? Some say, Your home is your castle. A fortress, a place of refuge from the attacks of the world. A place of safety.
But for many people, home is not a refuge. It is not a place of safety. It is a place of fear.
Nancy Nason-Clark tells in her book about John and Sarah. They have been married for 28 years and during most of that time they have been desperately unhappy. He calls her degrading names. During the winter months when he is out of work, he often gets very angry and sometimes resorts to hitting or pushing her to get his own way.
As a result, Sarah has become depressed and feels that she is not worth much inside or outside her home. She comes to church on Sunday alone, and during the week she stays pretty close to the farm. There are very few times that Sarah is seen with anyone except her husband.
Why do so many men abuse their wives?
Sometimes a man does not feel powerful, and he resorts to violence to maintain his dominant position in the marriage. If he has problems at work or unemployment, he may start abusing. Men who have a low self esteem to begin with, have a greater chance of using force when they perceive their power challenged.
It is said that at least half, up to 3 /4 of abusers grew up in a violent home. They either witnessed abuse or experienced it themselves. One research institute argues that boys who saw their father beat their mother are 1,000 times more likely to be violent adults than boys who never had that experience.
There is some evidence that in some couples, both women and men initiate violence equally. But in the majority of cases, it is the man, not the woman, who controls whether there is violence in the home. Social worker Larry Bennet says that many violent men claim that their wives can be violent, too, but none of the violent men he has counseled have ever said that they were afraid to go home at night.
--
Why can’t women leave violent homes?
Fear is the number one reason. She fears for her future, fears further violence and fears for the lives of her children. She fears that her friends will not believe her, or won’t help her if she tells. Fear makes women lie about the reality of the abuse – she will tell people she fell down the stairs. Fear keeps them from seeing the choices they might have. They spend all their energy trying to keep their secret.
Finances is another reason. Many abusive men are good providers. If she doesn’t have personal economic resources, how will she provide for her children? Where could she go? Who would help her? The more economically dependent she is, the more likely it is that she will stay, continue to feel worse about herself to the point that she tells herself that she deserves the battering.
Then there’s the fantasy… the hope that he will change. After violence there may be pleas for forgiveness. Women, especially religious women, cling to the belief that their violent husband wants to and will change. Some religious women feel that marriage is forever no matter how cruel their husband’s treatment, that God will not permit them to leave.
What does God value? God is the God of love, of peace, of safety. Both the OT and the NT denounce violence.
Because of violence the earth was destroyed. Genesis 6: “Now the earth was corrupt in God’s sight, and the earth was filled with violence… And God said to Noah, “I have determined to make an end of all flesh, for the earth is filled with violence because of them.” Gen 6:11, 13
Violence is associated with Satan in Ezek 28:16. Prov 4:17: “The wicked drink the wine of violence.” Prov 13:2 “The unfaithful have a craving for violence.”
Old Testament law made special provision to prevent violence within the home. In Exodus 21:26-27, if a man hits his servant in the eye or tooth and destroys it, the man must give the servant his or her freedom.
Malachi 2:16 “I hate a man’s covering his wife with violence, says the Lord Almighty.”
The Bible gives no justification for a man’s abusing his wife, but many try to make a justification. One man, when asked why he had beaten his wife, said this:
(Nancy Nason Clark, No Place For Abuse, p. 119)
Rebellious and stubborn, that’s what she is. And I believe firmly in the Bible. So I have the means, even hitting. I want to do and have done all that I can to make her like other women. You cannot stand the order of creation on its head. Only the man is the Lord of Creation, and he cannot allow himself to be dominated by women folk. So hitting has been my way of marking, that I’m a man, a masculine man, no softie of a man, no cushy type.
This is wrong. This is the kind of person of whom Peter wrote, in 2 Peter 3:16,
which ignorant and unstable people distort, as they do the other Scriptures, to their own destruction.
Here’s a word to both the victim and the abuser: God does not condone violence, especially not in a marriage.
The Biblical book of 1 John talks all about love, and one of the most beautiful passages is the one that was read this morning: 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.
You can’t be living in fear and also loving at the same time. You may very well love your husband, but the covenant is being broken. He vowed to love and to cherish you. Is this what it means to cherish?
You hear him say he is a Christian, but John writes,
20 If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar.
No matter how challenging your life is, you must not tolerate abuse in your relationship. That is not love. If it happens, you need to seek out trained people to help. The church is a safe place to tell.
Here is a reminder to the church: We are a safe place. If a woman needs to tell you that she is living in fear, you may be shocked, but you must be careful not to make one of the four big errors that church people make. (from Nancy Nason Clark, No Place for Abuse)
Error #1: Denial. We don’t want to admit that abuse does exist in Christian homes. This prevents us from being ready to help. Jesus said “You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free” John 8:32. It is only when we acknowledge the sad facts that we can be God’s servants in addressing the evil.
Error #2: Secrecy and Silence. We must not cover it up, either because we don’t know what to do, or because we think it will look bad for the church. It’s worse for us if we refuse to address the problem in our midst.
Error #3: Discouraging a victim from finding shelter. An older adult friend of mine told me last week, “Our daughter came to us and said that she was having a problem in her marriage. She even had the car packed. But she didn’t say anything else, so we told her to go back to her husband and work it out. We had no idea.” We need to know what the resources are. I have given you numbers and I want you to keep them, or know where to find them in your phone book, so that when you find that someone you know is in need, you’ll know where to call.
Error #4: Presuming on God’s protection. Many believers say she should go back, and God will protect her. We know that is not true. Jesus even said it was wrong to put onesself in a life threatening situation. When Satan challenged Jesus to hurl himself from the roof of the temple so that the angels might bear him up, Jesus said, “Do not put your Lord God to the test.” The seventh commandment implies that we should take every possible step to prevent murder.
The Good News is that God provides a hiding place and a refuge, often outside the immediate community of faith. Rahab helped the Hebrew spies to escape from Jericho (Josh 2:15). David found safety for his parents with the King of Moab (1 Sam 22:2-4). Elijah found safety outside the community of faith in the home of a Phoenician widow (1 Kings 17)
We prayed last week that God would open the eyes of our hearts, that God would enable us to see the truth and to act according to God’s will. This is a hard work, but it is essential to our Christian faith that we care for the hurting among us. Let every abused woman within the reach of this congregation know without a doubt that God is for her. Let every abusive man that knows one of us discover that God has help for him. Let all who are thirsty receive the living water.
Let us pray:
Creator God,
we ask, O Lord, that you would open our eyes to see
the suffering of victims around the world and in our community.
Give us ears to hear their cries and hearts that will not rest
until we have done our part to apply your healing balm to their wounds.
Keep each one of us from violence.
Bring peace and safety to each home,
that all of us may say that home is the place where we are loved and accepted.
Amen.
Prayer from Nancy Nason Clark, No Place for Abuse
Ps 118, 1 John October 23, 2005
Psalm 118
PS 118:1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.
PS 118:6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
PS 118:7 The LORD is with me; he is my helper.
I will look in triumph on my enemies.
PS 118:8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in man.
PS 118:9 It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in princes.
PS 118:13 I was pushed back and about to fall,
but the LORD helped me.
PS 118:14 The LORD is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.
1 John 4:16b-21
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 17 In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.
We have a saying in our family: Sisters love each other. I suppose you can’t make it true by just saying it, but when the girls fight, we say that we will not tolerate fighting and name calling, and the positive way we say it is that Sisters Love Each Other.
I learned this from my mom. When my brother and I would fight, which we did all the time, she used to say “Your home should be the one place.” Especially when she became a single parent and there were tremendous pressures on her, she claimed the safety of the home. She taught us that we must be kind to her and to each other, that home should be the one place that is safe, where you know you are loved and accepted.
It makes sense, doesn’t it? Some say, Your home is your castle. A fortress, a place of refuge from the attacks of the world. A place of safety.
But for many people, home is not a refuge. It is not a place of safety. It is a place of fear.
Nancy Nason-Clark tells in her book about John and Sarah. They have been married for 28 years and during most of that time they have been desperately unhappy. He calls her degrading names. During the winter months when he is out of work, he often gets very angry and sometimes resorts to hitting or pushing her to get his own way.
As a result, Sarah has become depressed and feels that she is not worth much inside or outside her home. She comes to church on Sunday alone, and during the week she stays pretty close to the farm. There are very few times that Sarah is seen with anyone except her husband.
Why do so many men abuse their wives?
Sometimes a man does not feel powerful, and he resorts to violence to maintain his dominant position in the marriage. If he has problems at work or unemployment, he may start abusing. Men who have a low self esteem to begin with, have a greater chance of using force when they perceive their power challenged.
It is said that at least half, up to 3 /4 of abusers grew up in a violent home. They either witnessed abuse or experienced it themselves. One research institute argues that boys who saw their father beat their mother are 1,000 times more likely to be violent adults than boys who never had that experience.
There is some evidence that in some couples, both women and men initiate violence equally. But in the majority of cases, it is the man, not the woman, who controls whether there is violence in the home. Social worker Larry Bennet says that many violent men claim that their wives can be violent, too, but none of the violent men he has counseled have ever said that they were afraid to go home at night.
--
Why can’t women leave violent homes?
Fear is the number one reason. She fears for her future, fears further violence and fears for the lives of her children. She fears that her friends will not believe her, or won’t help her if she tells. Fear makes women lie about the reality of the abuse – she will tell people she fell down the stairs. Fear keeps them from seeing the choices they might have. They spend all their energy trying to keep their secret.
Finances is another reason. Many abusive men are good providers. If she doesn’t have personal economic resources, how will she provide for her children? Where could she go? Who would help her? The more economically dependent she is, the more likely it is that she will stay, continue to feel worse about herself to the point that she tells herself that she deserves the battering.
Then there’s the fantasy… the hope that he will change. After violence there may be pleas for forgiveness. Women, especially religious women, cling to the belief that their violent husband wants to and will change. Some religious women feel that marriage is forever no matter how cruel their husband’s treatment, that God will not permit them to leave.
What does God value? God is the God of love, of peace, of safety. Both the OT and the NT denounce violence.
Because of violence the earth was destroyed. Genesis 6: “Now the earth was corrupt in God’s sight, and the earth was filled with violence… And God said to Noah, “I have determined to make an end of all flesh, for the earth is filled with violence because of them.” Gen 6:11, 13
Violence is associated with Satan in Ezek 28:16. Prov 4:17: “The wicked drink the wine of violence.” Prov 13:2 “The unfaithful have a craving for violence.”
Old Testament law made special provision to prevent violence within the home. In Exodus 21:26-27, if a man hits his servant in the eye or tooth and destroys it, the man must give the servant his or her freedom.
Malachi 2:16 “I hate a man’s covering his wife with violence, says the Lord Almighty.”
The Bible gives no justification for a man’s abusing his wife, but many try to make a justification. One man, when asked why he had beaten his wife, said this:
(Nancy Nason Clark, No Place For Abuse, p. 119)
Rebellious and stubborn, that’s what she is. And I believe firmly in the Bible. So I have the means, even hitting. I want to do and have done all that I can to make her like other women. You cannot stand the order of creation on its head. Only the man is the Lord of Creation, and he cannot allow himself to be dominated by women folk. So hitting has been my way of marking, that I’m a man, a masculine man, no softie of a man, no cushy type.
This is wrong. This is the kind of person of whom Peter wrote, in 2 Peter 3:16,
which ignorant and unstable people distort, as they do the other Scriptures, to their own destruction.
Here’s a word to both the victim and the abuser: God does not condone violence, especially not in a marriage.
The Biblical book of 1 John talks all about love, and one of the most beautiful passages is the one that was read this morning: 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.
You can’t be living in fear and also loving at the same time. You may very well love your husband, but the covenant is being broken. He vowed to love and to cherish you. Is this what it means to cherish?
You hear him say he is a Christian, but John writes,
20 If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar.
No matter how challenging your life is, you must not tolerate abuse in your relationship. That is not love. If it happens, you need to seek out trained people to help. The church is a safe place to tell.
Here is a reminder to the church: We are a safe place. If a woman needs to tell you that she is living in fear, you may be shocked, but you must be careful not to make one of the four big errors that church people make. (from Nancy Nason Clark, No Place for Abuse)
Error #1: Denial. We don’t want to admit that abuse does exist in Christian homes. This prevents us from being ready to help. Jesus said “You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free” John 8:32. It is only when we acknowledge the sad facts that we can be God’s servants in addressing the evil.
Error #2: Secrecy and Silence. We must not cover it up, either because we don’t know what to do, or because we think it will look bad for the church. It’s worse for us if we refuse to address the problem in our midst.
Error #3: Discouraging a victim from finding shelter. An older adult friend of mine told me last week, “Our daughter came to us and said that she was having a problem in her marriage. She even had the car packed. But she didn’t say anything else, so we told her to go back to her husband and work it out. We had no idea.” We need to know what the resources are. I have given you numbers and I want you to keep them, or know where to find them in your phone book, so that when you find that someone you know is in need, you’ll know where to call.
Error #4: Presuming on God’s protection. Many believers say she should go back, and God will protect her. We know that is not true. Jesus even said it was wrong to put onesself in a life threatening situation. When Satan challenged Jesus to hurl himself from the roof of the temple so that the angels might bear him up, Jesus said, “Do not put your Lord God to the test.” The seventh commandment implies that we should take every possible step to prevent murder.
The Good News is that God provides a hiding place and a refuge, often outside the immediate community of faith. Rahab helped the Hebrew spies to escape from Jericho (Josh 2:15). David found safety for his parents with the King of Moab (1 Sam 22:2-4). Elijah found safety outside the community of faith in the home of a Phoenician widow (1 Kings 17)
We prayed last week that God would open the eyes of our hearts, that God would enable us to see the truth and to act according to God’s will. This is a hard work, but it is essential to our Christian faith that we care for the hurting among us. Let every abused woman within the reach of this congregation know without a doubt that God is for her. Let every abusive man that knows one of us discover that God has help for him. Let all who are thirsty receive the living water.
Let us pray:
Creator God,
we ask, O Lord, that you would open our eyes to see
the suffering of victims around the world and in our community.
Give us ears to hear their cries and hearts that will not rest
until we have done our part to apply your healing balm to their wounds.
Keep each one of us from violence.
Bring peace and safety to each home,
that all of us may say that home is the place where we are loved and accepted.
Amen.
Prayer from Nancy Nason Clark, No Place for Abuse
Monday, October 17, 2005
Sermon: Domestic Violence 1
PL 4 When it’s too hot or too cold Cynthia O’Brien
Ephesians 5 October 16, 2005
Galatians 5
EPH 5:15 Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. 19 Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
EPH 5:21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
GAL 5:16 So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. 17 For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.
GAL 5:19 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
GAL 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
Back in the summer, the elders and deacons suggested that I preach on Christian marriage and parenting, on issues that affect people’s lives. I thought that after preaching on romance and intimacy last week, that this week I might address problems in relationships.
In some marriages, on a given fall evening, the biggest problem they have is whether the room is too cold or too hot. But in other marriages, the cold defines their whole relationship. Jesus even used this metaphor: Their love has grown cold. I wanted to talk about that.
I also wanted to talk about marriages which have grown too hot – where heated arguments and verbal abuse are the norm, where it’s not about submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ, but it’s about manipulation and control. I wanted to mention the very real problem of domestic violence.
It’s the latter subject, domestic abuse, that has taken over today’s message, especially since I went to a workshop Saturday about it. This was at Metro Church of Christ in Gresham. I heard an international expert, Nancy Nason-Clark, speaking on the subject of Domestic Abuse: The Silence of Faith Communities.
If I stay silent, I become part of the problem, and I have been part of the problem every time I’ve missed the opportunity to listen to someone who is in trouble. So let me talk to you about it.
The subject of domestic abuse is a sensitive subject in churches. We are nice people. We can’t imagine that the nice woman sitting in the next pew might be afraid to go home after church, or that the nice man who helps out all the time has put his wife in the emergency room three times this year. We see a friend with a black eye and we make a joke about it, rather than rightfully wondering whether she is safe.
Talking about domestic violence is important because it affects lives right here in this church. I know this applies to some of you, but I don’t tell your story to anyone and I won’t tell it today. Others of you may be in a difficult situation unknown to me, and you’ve been afraid to say anything.
Story of Martha and Daniel, First Presbyterian Church of Birch Grove. (No Place for Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence, Catherine Clark Kroeger and Nancy Nason-Clark, IVP 2001.)
Domestic violence exists in every country, in every neighborhood.
40 percent of pastors say that they have preached a sermon on abuse. But 95% of church women report they have never heard a sermon on abuse.
58 % of church women have helped an abused woman. But many Christian women who have been abused do not feel that the term “abused woman” applies to them.
A seminary student who abused his wife told Nancy Nason Clark, “No one ever told me it was wrong.”
But the church is a safe place, right? Not always.
March 4, 2005 A United Methodist News Feature By Allysa Adams
The first time Debbie Harsh was beaten by her husband, the injuries sent her to the hospital. She was scared, demoralized and confused. When she was released from the hospital, she got out of the house, got a restraining order and immediately turned to the only place she felt safe: her church.
She says now, "I always thought that the church would be the first place you go for help.”
But the pastors at her nondenominational Christian church didn't know how to help Debbie. They had good intentions. They sent her to a Christian counselor. The counselor urged her to forgive her husband and drop the order of protection against him.
Debbie says, “The counselor's message was that wives submit to your husband and husbands are the head of the house ... and he pointed out to me that I didn't have my husband's permission for that order of protection.”
When she returned to her husband, the violence continued. She was afraid for her life and the safety of their two daughters, Debbie finally left her 16-year marriage for good in 2000 - against the advice of her pastors and church leaders.
She said, "The pastors wanted to be sure that I wouldn't pursue a divorce, and being beat up by a husband wasn't grounds for divorce. Only sexual (in)fidelity was grounds for divorce."
Debbie founded Domestic Violence Education: An Interfaith Project, and now she works to educate the faith community in Tucson, Ariz., about domestic violence. Since 2003, she has spoken to churches, synagogues, Sunday school classes, church social action committees and other religious groups.
She says, "I can't think of any better place than a faith community-a church-to help victims of family violence.”
The Rev. Paul Caseman, senior pastor at St. Marks United Methodist Church in Tucson, participated in one of the program's seminars to prepare himself to deal with incidents of domestic violence in his congregation and community.
"Sometimes domestic violence is one of those issues we put on the back burner and say, 'Surely domestic violence is not happening in our church,'" Caseman said. "That's naiveté on our part to believe that."
According to the Faith Trust Institute, one-third of all women in relationships report being abused in some way by their husband or boyfriend.
"I think we're all aware that domestic violence is out there. I think when we hear the personal stories and the roles that the churches so often do not play, we realize our unawareness leads to more domestic violence," he said.
__________
Honestly, the good people in most churches simply cannot believe that domestic violence is in their congregations. Abusers can be good at hiding it, and women don’t want to report it. They say that it takes an average of 35 incidents before a woman will report that she is being abused.
Certainly, if her church doesn’t want to hear about it, if her pastor is not supportive, she will not turn to her church for help. But if she hears it preached from the pulpit, and if she finds friends who have time to listen, she might just tell her story.
Every time a pastor preaches about domestic violence and affirms the church’s care for victims, someone always comes forward afterwards and says, “Yes, that’s my story, but I didn’t tell before because I didn’t know how you would react.”
If that’s you, please know I am willing to hear your story, and to care for you, and to respect what you are going through, and to give you resources and find help. Your deacons and elders and church staff and I will be there for you.
I’m going to pick this up again next week. I had planned to talk about wedding vows next Sunday, and I will in a couple of weeks, but there’s more I want to share with you on this subject. What should you be able to expect in the way of safety from a marriage? What does God require of a battered wife?
Next Sunday is the day to bring a friend who needs to hear a message from God. It is a message to women that she should be able to be safe in her home, that she is worth something even if she has had a lifetime of people saying she is worthless and stupid.
It will also be a message to those in positions of power, that the Bible is clear that it is never OK to abuse another person, and that God offers help for the person with an anger problem. We will have resources available in the bulletin. We will also talk about what you should do when you suspect someone is being abused, or when a victim confides in you.
Today is the day that the elders and I offer prayers for healing with the laying on of hands and the anointing with oil. Anyone is welcome to come forward and kneel, or go back to the narthex, and let the elder pray for you. Michael will be in the narthex, Bob and Eric and I will be here at the front. In addition to our usual prayers for healing, if you know someone who is a victim or a perpetrator, I want you to come up and receive a prayer for them. No one is watching you or judging you – if others see you come forward, they are simply praying for God to answer your prayer.
Ephesians 5 October 16, 2005
Galatians 5
EPH 5:15 Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. 19 Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
EPH 5:21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
GAL 5:16 So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. 17 For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.
GAL 5:19 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
GAL 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
Back in the summer, the elders and deacons suggested that I preach on Christian marriage and parenting, on issues that affect people’s lives. I thought that after preaching on romance and intimacy last week, that this week I might address problems in relationships.
In some marriages, on a given fall evening, the biggest problem they have is whether the room is too cold or too hot. But in other marriages, the cold defines their whole relationship. Jesus even used this metaphor: Their love has grown cold. I wanted to talk about that.
I also wanted to talk about marriages which have grown too hot – where heated arguments and verbal abuse are the norm, where it’s not about submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ, but it’s about manipulation and control. I wanted to mention the very real problem of domestic violence.
It’s the latter subject, domestic abuse, that has taken over today’s message, especially since I went to a workshop Saturday about it. This was at Metro Church of Christ in Gresham. I heard an international expert, Nancy Nason-Clark, speaking on the subject of Domestic Abuse: The Silence of Faith Communities.
If I stay silent, I become part of the problem, and I have been part of the problem every time I’ve missed the opportunity to listen to someone who is in trouble. So let me talk to you about it.
The subject of domestic abuse is a sensitive subject in churches. We are nice people. We can’t imagine that the nice woman sitting in the next pew might be afraid to go home after church, or that the nice man who helps out all the time has put his wife in the emergency room three times this year. We see a friend with a black eye and we make a joke about it, rather than rightfully wondering whether she is safe.
Talking about domestic violence is important because it affects lives right here in this church. I know this applies to some of you, but I don’t tell your story to anyone and I won’t tell it today. Others of you may be in a difficult situation unknown to me, and you’ve been afraid to say anything.
Story of Martha and Daniel, First Presbyterian Church of Birch Grove. (No Place for Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence, Catherine Clark Kroeger and Nancy Nason-Clark, IVP 2001.)
Domestic violence exists in every country, in every neighborhood.
40 percent of pastors say that they have preached a sermon on abuse. But 95% of church women report they have never heard a sermon on abuse.
58 % of church women have helped an abused woman. But many Christian women who have been abused do not feel that the term “abused woman” applies to them.
A seminary student who abused his wife told Nancy Nason Clark, “No one ever told me it was wrong.”
But the church is a safe place, right? Not always.
March 4, 2005 A United Methodist News Feature By Allysa Adams
The first time Debbie Harsh was beaten by her husband, the injuries sent her to the hospital. She was scared, demoralized and confused. When she was released from the hospital, she got out of the house, got a restraining order and immediately turned to the only place she felt safe: her church.
She says now, "I always thought that the church would be the first place you go for help.”
But the pastors at her nondenominational Christian church didn't know how to help Debbie. They had good intentions. They sent her to a Christian counselor. The counselor urged her to forgive her husband and drop the order of protection against him.
Debbie says, “The counselor's message was that wives submit to your husband and husbands are the head of the house ... and he pointed out to me that I didn't have my husband's permission for that order of protection.”
When she returned to her husband, the violence continued. She was afraid for her life and the safety of their two daughters, Debbie finally left her 16-year marriage for good in 2000 - against the advice of her pastors and church leaders.
She said, "The pastors wanted to be sure that I wouldn't pursue a divorce, and being beat up by a husband wasn't grounds for divorce. Only sexual (in)fidelity was grounds for divorce."
Debbie founded Domestic Violence Education: An Interfaith Project, and now she works to educate the faith community in Tucson, Ariz., about domestic violence. Since 2003, she has spoken to churches, synagogues, Sunday school classes, church social action committees and other religious groups.
She says, "I can't think of any better place than a faith community-a church-to help victims of family violence.”
The Rev. Paul Caseman, senior pastor at St. Marks United Methodist Church in Tucson, participated in one of the program's seminars to prepare himself to deal with incidents of domestic violence in his congregation and community.
"Sometimes domestic violence is one of those issues we put on the back burner and say, 'Surely domestic violence is not happening in our church,'" Caseman said. "That's naiveté on our part to believe that."
According to the Faith Trust Institute, one-third of all women in relationships report being abused in some way by their husband or boyfriend.
"I think we're all aware that domestic violence is out there. I think when we hear the personal stories and the roles that the churches so often do not play, we realize our unawareness leads to more domestic violence," he said.
__________
Honestly, the good people in most churches simply cannot believe that domestic violence is in their congregations. Abusers can be good at hiding it, and women don’t want to report it. They say that it takes an average of 35 incidents before a woman will report that she is being abused.
Certainly, if her church doesn’t want to hear about it, if her pastor is not supportive, she will not turn to her church for help. But if she hears it preached from the pulpit, and if she finds friends who have time to listen, she might just tell her story.
Every time a pastor preaches about domestic violence and affirms the church’s care for victims, someone always comes forward afterwards and says, “Yes, that’s my story, but I didn’t tell before because I didn’t know how you would react.”
If that’s you, please know I am willing to hear your story, and to care for you, and to respect what you are going through, and to give you resources and find help. Your deacons and elders and church staff and I will be there for you.
I’m going to pick this up again next week. I had planned to talk about wedding vows next Sunday, and I will in a couple of weeks, but there’s more I want to share with you on this subject. What should you be able to expect in the way of safety from a marriage? What does God require of a battered wife?
Next Sunday is the day to bring a friend who needs to hear a message from God. It is a message to women that she should be able to be safe in her home, that she is worth something even if she has had a lifetime of people saying she is worthless and stupid.
It will also be a message to those in positions of power, that the Bible is clear that it is never OK to abuse another person, and that God offers help for the person with an anger problem. We will have resources available in the bulletin. We will also talk about what you should do when you suspect someone is being abused, or when a victim confides in you.
Today is the day that the elders and I offer prayers for healing with the laying on of hands and the anointing with oil. Anyone is welcome to come forward and kneel, or go back to the narthex, and let the elder pray for you. Michael will be in the narthex, Bob and Eric and I will be here at the front. In addition to our usual prayers for healing, if you know someone who is a victim or a perpetrator, I want you to come up and receive a prayer for them. No one is watching you or judging you – if others see you come forward, they are simply praying for God to answer your prayer.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Sermon: On Romance
PL 5 – On Romance Cynthia O’Brien
Song of Solomon chapters 1 and 7 October 9, 2005
I learned fairly early that God was interested in romance.
I used to go to Junior High retreat at Forest Home Christian Conference Center in Redlands, California, every winter and every summer. There would be worship, and recreation, and ice cream sundaes, and shopping in the camp bookstore, and mischief in the cabins, big teaching sessions and small workshops. One time, they had a workshop called Love, Sex and Dating.
Fearlessly, I signed up. Everybody was going to the Love, Sex and Dating class. We called it LSD for short.
The pastor who led the class was one of those very cool young pastors we had in the 1970’s, with long hair and all. He talked frankly about the temptations and the pleasures ahead of us, and I’m sure I was in a swoon for most of it – (swoon is an old fashioned word for being so completely out of it that you can’t get a grip) – but what I do remember is that God was interested in romance.
You could look at this a couple of different ways. If you were going to be bad, you could think of God as a snoopy old chaperone who found you at Lookout Point and shone his flashlight into your ‘69 Chevy. Or, if you were going to be good, you could think of God more as Aphrodite, the goddess of love, feeding you peeled grapes and fanning you with palm brances in the Garden of Delight.
Personally, I think God is much more about the Garden of Delight, and like any parent, wishes that he could spend more time encouraging us to be romantic and less time telling us to put on the brakes. So let’s talk about God’s romantic aspirations for us, include a word to the old and a word to the young, and then a word of hope.
1. GOD IS A ROMANTIC
First, God is a romantic.
I am so glad the Song of Solomon made it into the Bible, but I’m kind of surprised that it’s there. So much of the Old Testament is about bad sex and violence. My husband teaches Old Testament to all the 9th and 10th graders at Portland Lutheran School, and now, one month into it, one of the students raised his hand and asked, “Pastor O’Brien, why do you talk about sex so much?” Believe me, no teacher wants THAT message going home to parents, but what the student meant was that he couldn’t believe there was so much sex in the Bible.
But not good sex. Not really. Not until you get to the Song of Solomon. Thank God. It is a celebration of romantic love in all its beauty. It is an amazing example of how a piece of literature can be both explicit in its language and yet pure and lovely at the same time. A lot of people don’t even know it’s in there, and when they read it, they can’t believe how wonderful it is.
The book is a dialogue between a man and a woman who are completely in love with each other and delight in each other. It is a celebration of love and physical intimacy, with no shame, no guilt, no embarrassment.
The other is an allegorical reading, that is, that it describes the intimate relationship between God and the believer, or between Christ and the church.
Over the centuries, Christians have argued over whether you should read it as an allegory for God’s love for people. Jovinan, a Roman monk, said that the Song of Songs should be read literally and that it was a defense of the virtue of marital sexual love.
But St. Augustine and Jerome condemned him and said that it couldn’t possibly be read literally, but was a spiritual allegory. The Council of Constantinople in 550 outlawed the literal reading of the Song of Songs, saying it was only to be interpreted allegorically. Some rationalists argued that if you were to read it literally, it was so graphic that it would be obscene and unsuitable for the Christian reader.
But people started appreciating Song of Songs again in its fullness after the Reformation. Over the centuries, Christians have asked why a description of human love and intimacy should trouble us .
See the couple in the text. Their relationship is growing and deepening. The more familiar they are with each other, the more exciting it is. God intends husband and wife to enjoy exploring each other and delighting in each other.
The wife says:
Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.
The husband says:
7:6 How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights!… 9 and your mouth like the best wine.
Complimentary words, sincerely presented – don’t you think that would yield some good results?
An elementary school class was asked to give advice to a new husband. Ricky, age 10 suggested: "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
I really did mean, complimentary words, sincerely spoken.
Proverbs 5 backs up the message of Song of Songs: “May you rejoice in the wife of your youth, may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.” Proverbs 5.
This is God’s idea of pillow talk, and it’s beautiful.
When you read through the book, you might find it strange… All this talk of “your body is” a gazelle – a wall -- towers and pomegranites. But that’s the 2,000 year cultural barrier talking. Read modern poets and you will find language that is just as beautiful, just as interesting.
2. A WORD TO THE OLD AND TO THE YOUNG
Let me say a brief word to the older people here, and then to the younger ones. I’ll start with a little story.
A worship design team was meeting to choose hymns for the variety of sermon topics coming up. The leader called out the topics: “OK, first is grace.” A few people suggested “Amazing Grace.” The next topic was alcohol. Someone suggested “Fill Me Jesus, Fill Me Now.” They all thought that was pretty funny. The next topic was sex. No one could think of anything, until an elderly lady started humming, “Precious Memories…”
This one is difficult, and I approach it tenderly. For some of you, your days of romance are behind you. Perhaps they ended in a divorce, or in death. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be without your knight in shining armor, or the woman who brightened up each day. I’ve known many of your loved ones who have died, and they were truly wonderful people. I don’t forget them.
For you, this Scripture may be a message of remembrance. Even though it might hurt, remembering can be a blessing, and every time you remember, you can thank God for every romantic moment. Who knows, maybe there is another romance in your future. Or maybe you take that romantic energy and channel it into building loving relationships with your grandkids. Send an “I Love You” letter to your granddaughter at college.
Now here’s a note for the young people. God made romantic love for you, too. It was God that made your body change and God who gave you all these feelings. God designed you to give and receive pleasure with your husband or wife. You get to choose this person, and he or she gets to choose you, and you will leave your parents and become one flesh with each other. It is with your husband that you’ll play the games that Solomon and the Shulamite played. It is with your wife that you will have complete trust and intimacy. There will be no one else in the whole world with whom you will have this joy. It is just for you two.
So I recommend that you do everything in your power to save yourself for marriage, and when the time is right, to choose a marriage partner with whom you can discover these pleasures.
3. SO, IF YOU HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ROMANCE, TAKE IT
What about the rest of us in the middle, neither old nor young? If you’re looking for love, pray to the God who is love, the God who made romance. Ask God to make you the kind of person that would atttact the right mate – Become a person with high moral character, kindness and personal strength. Be alert to the opportunities around you. Watch for an unexpected blessing.
And if you are like I am, married to the man of your dreams, or if at least you’re married, raise the romance quotient in your daily life. Surprise your mate. Take a risk. Remember what used to be fun, and see where it goes.
In the online magazine Salon, Garrison Keillor wrote this week about “having fun” (Salon.com, October 5, 2005)
Having fun is up to you; nobody else can manage it for you.
Women get broody sometimes and want to sit in front of a fire with a glass of merlot and discuss The Relationship, which is never a good idea. You know this. If you were captured by Unitarian terrorists and sat on by a fat lady and told that you absolutely must discuss your relationship, you should say no, no, no.
Never use the word "relationship." You can say "marriage" or "romance" or "partnership" or "living arrangement" or "hubba hubba ding dong," but the word "relationship" is like the hissing of vipers. If the romance or marriage needs help, the answer almost always is Have More Fun. Drop your list of grievances and go ride a roller coaster. Take a brisk walk. Dance. Take a trip to Duluth. Read Dickens. There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.
Other people can't do that for you…. you're grown up now and it's time to get some fun in your life.
This is a gift that God gave us. You may remember it fondly, or look forward to it hopefully. But if you are so blessed that you can enjoy it now, cherish it.
Amen.
Song of Solomon chapters 1 and 7 October 9, 2005
I learned fairly early that God was interested in romance.
I used to go to Junior High retreat at Forest Home Christian Conference Center in Redlands, California, every winter and every summer. There would be worship, and recreation, and ice cream sundaes, and shopping in the camp bookstore, and mischief in the cabins, big teaching sessions and small workshops. One time, they had a workshop called Love, Sex and Dating.
Fearlessly, I signed up. Everybody was going to the Love, Sex and Dating class. We called it LSD for short.
The pastor who led the class was one of those very cool young pastors we had in the 1970’s, with long hair and all. He talked frankly about the temptations and the pleasures ahead of us, and I’m sure I was in a swoon for most of it – (swoon is an old fashioned word for being so completely out of it that you can’t get a grip) – but what I do remember is that God was interested in romance.
You could look at this a couple of different ways. If you were going to be bad, you could think of God as a snoopy old chaperone who found you at Lookout Point and shone his flashlight into your ‘69 Chevy. Or, if you were going to be good, you could think of God more as Aphrodite, the goddess of love, feeding you peeled grapes and fanning you with palm brances in the Garden of Delight.
Personally, I think God is much more about the Garden of Delight, and like any parent, wishes that he could spend more time encouraging us to be romantic and less time telling us to put on the brakes. So let’s talk about God’s romantic aspirations for us, include a word to the old and a word to the young, and then a word of hope.
1. GOD IS A ROMANTIC
First, God is a romantic.
I am so glad the Song of Solomon made it into the Bible, but I’m kind of surprised that it’s there. So much of the Old Testament is about bad sex and violence. My husband teaches Old Testament to all the 9th and 10th graders at Portland Lutheran School, and now, one month into it, one of the students raised his hand and asked, “Pastor O’Brien, why do you talk about sex so much?” Believe me, no teacher wants THAT message going home to parents, but what the student meant was that he couldn’t believe there was so much sex in the Bible.
But not good sex. Not really. Not until you get to the Song of Solomon. Thank God. It is a celebration of romantic love in all its beauty. It is an amazing example of how a piece of literature can be both explicit in its language and yet pure and lovely at the same time. A lot of people don’t even know it’s in there, and when they read it, they can’t believe how wonderful it is.
The book is a dialogue between a man and a woman who are completely in love with each other and delight in each other. It is a celebration of love and physical intimacy, with no shame, no guilt, no embarrassment.
The other is an allegorical reading, that is, that it describes the intimate relationship between God and the believer, or between Christ and the church.
Over the centuries, Christians have argued over whether you should read it as an allegory for God’s love for people. Jovinan, a Roman monk, said that the Song of Songs should be read literally and that it was a defense of the virtue of marital sexual love.
But St. Augustine and Jerome condemned him and said that it couldn’t possibly be read literally, but was a spiritual allegory. The Council of Constantinople in 550 outlawed the literal reading of the Song of Songs, saying it was only to be interpreted allegorically. Some rationalists argued that if you were to read it literally, it was so graphic that it would be obscene and unsuitable for the Christian reader.
But people started appreciating Song of Songs again in its fullness after the Reformation. Over the centuries, Christians have asked why a description of human love and intimacy should trouble us .
See the couple in the text. Their relationship is growing and deepening. The more familiar they are with each other, the more exciting it is. God intends husband and wife to enjoy exploring each other and delighting in each other.
The wife says:
Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.
The husband says:
7:6 How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights!… 9 and your mouth like the best wine.
Complimentary words, sincerely presented – don’t you think that would yield some good results?
An elementary school class was asked to give advice to a new husband. Ricky, age 10 suggested: "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
I really did mean, complimentary words, sincerely spoken.
Proverbs 5 backs up the message of Song of Songs: “May you rejoice in the wife of your youth, may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.” Proverbs 5.
This is God’s idea of pillow talk, and it’s beautiful.
When you read through the book, you might find it strange… All this talk of “your body is” a gazelle – a wall -- towers and pomegranites. But that’s the 2,000 year cultural barrier talking. Read modern poets and you will find language that is just as beautiful, just as interesting.
2. A WORD TO THE OLD AND TO THE YOUNG
Let me say a brief word to the older people here, and then to the younger ones. I’ll start with a little story.
A worship design team was meeting to choose hymns for the variety of sermon topics coming up. The leader called out the topics: “OK, first is grace.” A few people suggested “Amazing Grace.” The next topic was alcohol. Someone suggested “Fill Me Jesus, Fill Me Now.” They all thought that was pretty funny. The next topic was sex. No one could think of anything, until an elderly lady started humming, “Precious Memories…”
This one is difficult, and I approach it tenderly. For some of you, your days of romance are behind you. Perhaps they ended in a divorce, or in death. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be without your knight in shining armor, or the woman who brightened up each day. I’ve known many of your loved ones who have died, and they were truly wonderful people. I don’t forget them.
For you, this Scripture may be a message of remembrance. Even though it might hurt, remembering can be a blessing, and every time you remember, you can thank God for every romantic moment. Who knows, maybe there is another romance in your future. Or maybe you take that romantic energy and channel it into building loving relationships with your grandkids. Send an “I Love You” letter to your granddaughter at college.
Now here’s a note for the young people. God made romantic love for you, too. It was God that made your body change and God who gave you all these feelings. God designed you to give and receive pleasure with your husband or wife. You get to choose this person, and he or she gets to choose you, and you will leave your parents and become one flesh with each other. It is with your husband that you’ll play the games that Solomon and the Shulamite played. It is with your wife that you will have complete trust and intimacy. There will be no one else in the whole world with whom you will have this joy. It is just for you two.
So I recommend that you do everything in your power to save yourself for marriage, and when the time is right, to choose a marriage partner with whom you can discover these pleasures.
3. SO, IF YOU HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ROMANCE, TAKE IT
What about the rest of us in the middle, neither old nor young? If you’re looking for love, pray to the God who is love, the God who made romance. Ask God to make you the kind of person that would atttact the right mate – Become a person with high moral character, kindness and personal strength. Be alert to the opportunities around you. Watch for an unexpected blessing.
And if you are like I am, married to the man of your dreams, or if at least you’re married, raise the romance quotient in your daily life. Surprise your mate. Take a risk. Remember what used to be fun, and see where it goes.
In the online magazine Salon, Garrison Keillor wrote this week about “having fun” (Salon.com, October 5, 2005)
Having fun is up to you; nobody else can manage it for you.
Women get broody sometimes and want to sit in front of a fire with a glass of merlot and discuss The Relationship, which is never a good idea. You know this. If you were captured by Unitarian terrorists and sat on by a fat lady and told that you absolutely must discuss your relationship, you should say no, no, no.
Never use the word "relationship." You can say "marriage" or "romance" or "partnership" or "living arrangement" or "hubba hubba ding dong," but the word "relationship" is like the hissing of vipers. If the romance or marriage needs help, the answer almost always is Have More Fun. Drop your list of grievances and go ride a roller coaster. Take a brisk walk. Dance. Take a trip to Duluth. Read Dickens. There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.
Other people can't do that for you…. you're grown up now and it's time to get some fun in your life.
This is a gift that God gave us. You may remember it fondly, or look forward to it hopefully. But if you are so blessed that you can enjoy it now, cherish it.
Amen.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Sermon: I'd Die For You
The Power of Love, sermon #4
God So Loved the World Cynthia O’Brien
1 Thessalonians 5:4-18 John 3:16 October 2, 2005
1 Thessalonians
9 For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. 10 He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. 11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.
Romans 5:6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Continuing our series on Love…
We are exploring examples of love found in scripture, and for these first few weeks we have learned about God’s love, beginning with the love that existed within God, in the Trinity, before the creation of the world. There is also God’s love for his chosen people, a love that was so strong that when the people turned away from God, God felt like the longsuffering husband of an unfaithful wife.
Today we consider John 3:16, God’s love for the world. God’s sacrificial and all-encompassing love for the world.
We are fascinated by sacrificial love. The more scandalous or strange, the more we like it.
People who follow celebrity culture will recall the strange public face of the marriage of Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton five years ago. The public was fascinated by their matching tattoos, and how they wore vials of each other’s blood around their necks. If they were looking for exposure, they certainly got it.
We love stories of what people sacrifice for love. Many of you know the story of the Duke and Dutchess of Windsor. It was 1936 when King Edward VIII spoke on the radio the words that would end his reign:
“You must believe me when I tell you that I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do, without the help and support of the woman I love.”
He had fallen in love with Wallis Warfield Simpson, a twice divorced American, and he had no choice but to abdicate the throne if he were to marry her. They married in 1937, and for the next 35 years of their marriage they were ostracized by the royal family.
Despite the scandal that surrounded the couple, millions of people in Britain and around the world were moved by the King’s sacrifice for love.
This is what makes the sacrament of communion so meaningful and even strange to us: That God, in Christ, would make the greatest sacrifice, giving his life for us. We accept it, but even with our interest in sacrificial love, we really don’t understand it.
---
Nicodemus took a great risk the night he went to meet Jesus. He didn’t want to be seen, but he had encountered something – someone that he wanted to know more.
He was one of the best theological minds, and even he could not understand what Jesus was trying to tell him, about being born again, about being born of the spirit, about eternal life.
Jesus tried to explain this eternal life to a very smart man who was open to learning but who still didn’t understand. It is in this context that Jesus said the words that every Christian child memorizes, words that give perhaps the broadest declaration of God’s love:
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life.
We say it as if it’s obvious, but a man with a high theological intelligence and an open heart couldn’t grasp it.
God loved the world.
If you ask average Americans who follow celebrity news what Angelina Jolie has been doing this year, they’d probably say, “Having an affair with Brad Pitt… or denying it.” But Jolie, who is just 30 years old, has been very, very busy with another love affair that doesn’t make Entertainment Tonight. I might call it a love affair with the world.
In March she was in Washington, D.C to launch a new organization she helped fund, the National Center For Refugee And Immigrant Children, which will provide free legal aid to the thousands of children who arrive alone to the United States each year as refugees and immigrants.
As a United Nations goodwill ambassador, she went to Pakistan in May to tour refugee camps on the Pakistan/Afghanistan border. She was calling attention to approximately 3 million Afghan refugees who are still in Pakistan, despite the fall of the Taliban in 2001.
This is not a new thing. Her first big action movie, “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider,” was filmed in Cambodia, and she was moved by the poverty and need there. She adopted a Cambodian baby and looked for other ways to help. Since then, she has taken regular trips to places of the greatest need to raise awareness, including Kosovo, Jordan, Sri Lanka and Chechnya. You can read her journals online at www.unrefugees.org
And this summer she went to Ethiopia and adopted a sickly, malnourished 6-month old girl, who reportedly is now gaining weight and improving. These are just some of her charity efforts this year.
She is in love with the world, specifically with the displaced people of the world.
Do you love the world? You don’t have to be a famous actress to show love on an international scale. In fact, you would be surprised at how many people are sacrificing to help the world, many right here in our church. There’s a good chance that a person occupying the next pew delivered Meals on Wheels last week, or sent a check to Mercy Corps, or wrote a letter to a child they sponsor in Indonesia.
There isn’t enough newsprint to report all the great things that people are doing to love the world.
This is the world that God loves, that God loved enough that he gave his only son. We are called also to have the same great vision – to love the world as God does.
God So Loved the World Cynthia O’Brien
1 Thessalonians 5:4-18 John 3:16 October 2, 2005
1 Thessalonians
9 For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. 10 He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. 11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.
Romans 5:6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Continuing our series on Love…
We are exploring examples of love found in scripture, and for these first few weeks we have learned about God’s love, beginning with the love that existed within God, in the Trinity, before the creation of the world. There is also God’s love for his chosen people, a love that was so strong that when the people turned away from God, God felt like the longsuffering husband of an unfaithful wife.
Today we consider John 3:16, God’s love for the world. God’s sacrificial and all-encompassing love for the world.
We are fascinated by sacrificial love. The more scandalous or strange, the more we like it.
People who follow celebrity culture will recall the strange public face of the marriage of Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton five years ago. The public was fascinated by their matching tattoos, and how they wore vials of each other’s blood around their necks. If they were looking for exposure, they certainly got it.
We love stories of what people sacrifice for love. Many of you know the story of the Duke and Dutchess of Windsor. It was 1936 when King Edward VIII spoke on the radio the words that would end his reign:
“You must believe me when I tell you that I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do, without the help and support of the woman I love.”
He had fallen in love with Wallis Warfield Simpson, a twice divorced American, and he had no choice but to abdicate the throne if he were to marry her. They married in 1937, and for the next 35 years of their marriage they were ostracized by the royal family.
Despite the scandal that surrounded the couple, millions of people in Britain and around the world were moved by the King’s sacrifice for love.
This is what makes the sacrament of communion so meaningful and even strange to us: That God, in Christ, would make the greatest sacrifice, giving his life for us. We accept it, but even with our interest in sacrificial love, we really don’t understand it.
---
Nicodemus took a great risk the night he went to meet Jesus. He didn’t want to be seen, but he had encountered something – someone that he wanted to know more.
He was one of the best theological minds, and even he could not understand what Jesus was trying to tell him, about being born again, about being born of the spirit, about eternal life.
Jesus tried to explain this eternal life to a very smart man who was open to learning but who still didn’t understand. It is in this context that Jesus said the words that every Christian child memorizes, words that give perhaps the broadest declaration of God’s love:
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life.
We say it as if it’s obvious, but a man with a high theological intelligence and an open heart couldn’t grasp it.
God loved the world.
If you ask average Americans who follow celebrity news what Angelina Jolie has been doing this year, they’d probably say, “Having an affair with Brad Pitt… or denying it.” But Jolie, who is just 30 years old, has been very, very busy with another love affair that doesn’t make Entertainment Tonight. I might call it a love affair with the world.
In March she was in Washington, D.C to launch a new organization she helped fund, the National Center For Refugee And Immigrant Children, which will provide free legal aid to the thousands of children who arrive alone to the United States each year as refugees and immigrants.
As a United Nations goodwill ambassador, she went to Pakistan in May to tour refugee camps on the Pakistan/Afghanistan border. She was calling attention to approximately 3 million Afghan refugees who are still in Pakistan, despite the fall of the Taliban in 2001.
This is not a new thing. Her first big action movie, “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider,” was filmed in Cambodia, and she was moved by the poverty and need there. She adopted a Cambodian baby and looked for other ways to help. Since then, she has taken regular trips to places of the greatest need to raise awareness, including Kosovo, Jordan, Sri Lanka and Chechnya. You can read her journals online at www.unrefugees.org
And this summer she went to Ethiopia and adopted a sickly, malnourished 6-month old girl, who reportedly is now gaining weight and improving. These are just some of her charity efforts this year.
She is in love with the world, specifically with the displaced people of the world.
Do you love the world? You don’t have to be a famous actress to show love on an international scale. In fact, you would be surprised at how many people are sacrificing to help the world, many right here in our church. There’s a good chance that a person occupying the next pew delivered Meals on Wheels last week, or sent a check to Mercy Corps, or wrote a letter to a child they sponsor in Indonesia.
There isn’t enough newsprint to report all the great things that people are doing to love the world.
This is the world that God loves, that God loved enough that he gave his only son. We are called also to have the same great vision – to love the world as God does.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
