Sermon: How Jesus Handled Conflict

Matthew 18:15-35

Rev. Cynthia O’Brien

“Jesus, CEO: How Jesus Handled Conflict”

May 6, 2007

^{MT 18:15} "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. ¹⁶ But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that `every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' ¹⁷ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

What is Conflict? Let’s agree on a definition: A competitive behavior between people or groups in which perceived or real goals and needs are divergent or incompatible.

Put another way, conflict occurs when I want A, and you want B and I think that if you get B, I can’t have A. Since I don’t think that we can both have what we want, I compete to get what I want.

No healthy person likes conflict, especially since we see so many cases where conflict is handled badly. Politicians fight and put partisanship above the interest of the country. Unions and employers fight over salaries and benefits and work grinds to a halt. Israelis and Palestinians fight over territory and won’t let go of past grievances. We know that conflicts can get out of hand and this colors our perception.

Most of us dislike conflict and will avoid it if possible, but is all conflict bad?

True or false? Conflict is always the result of people sinning – False.

Conflict goes away if ignored – False.

Conflict is always bad – False.

If we are going to handle conflict constructively, we need to rethink it. Here are some truths about conflict

Conflict is the result of a fallen world. In Romans 8, Paul wrote:

For the creation waits with eager longing -- creation was subjected to futility, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to decay -- The whole creation has been groaning under the weight of sin. Conflict is inevitable until the day when God redeems and restores the whole world.

But conflict is normal because people are needy. In Acts 6, people were upset because the widows were not getting the food they needed. There was a conflict about it which resulted in a better food distribution system.

Conflict in church is natural because what we do is of eternal significance. When we care about things deeply, we are likely to come into conflict with others.

Change is normative, therefore, conflict is normative as we try to adapt

By the way, if you don’t think that conflict is normal in the church, I’d encourage you to go back and read Paul’s letters. We have this odd notion that everything was pristine in the early churches. It wasn’t. In every church to which Paul writes, there is conflict.

It is important to understand that conflict is normal -- then we don’t over-react when it happens.

I have a list of the 10 most likely times for conflict in the church. It was prepared by the Alban Institute. Whenever ministers hear the name of the Alban Institute, we bow down and worship and buy whatever book they are selling, because these are very smart, very experienced church leaders and pastors who understand church dynamics. They have complied this list of the 10 most likely times for church conflict. As I read the list, think back to a church conflict and see if it fits into one of these 10 categories.

1. Easter. There is a lot of stress around Easter which brings conflict to the surface. The Alban Institute gets nearly 30 percent more calls than average right before Easter.

2. Stewardship Campaign and Budget Time. When money doesn’t come in as expected. When people use the opportunity to withhold money and air their complaints.

3. Addition of new staff - new staff change old dynamics. Donna, our secretary, is retiring after nearly 26 years. When we hire a new secretary, she could be as skilled and as nice as can be, but after a while you won’t like her, and you won’t know why. The reason is probably that, until now, every time you called the office you got a person who knows you well, knows your history, understands whatever you’re going through and cares deeply about you. In fact, sometimes when I pick up the phone, the person on the other end says, “Where’s Donna?” We can’t replace that depth of relationship. It won’t even happen in a couple of years. This is a great loss. But if we understand that what we’re losing can’t be replaced, hopefully it will help us manage our feelings and reduce future conflict.

4. Change in leadership style, especially when a new pastor’s leadership style is different from the predecessor. In a time of crisis, people depend on the pastor’s leadership to be the same as before.

5. The pastor’s vacation. Those who rely heavily on the pastor may panic when the pastor is gone. Additionally, it’s a good time to act up. I know a church where the pastor was gone for just a few days. During that time, the Worship Committee met without the pastor and voted to change the number of Sunday worship services and the time the services were held.

6. Changes in the Pastor’s family -- marriage, illness, the birth of children, divorce, death – these all affect the pastor’s relationship with the church and the people’s perception of the pastor’s devotion to them.

7. Young people joining the church. Different generations don’t always see eye to eye. Long time members ask, “What’s happened to my church? Who are these people?”

8. The completion of a new building. One of the most common times for a minister to be forced out is after the completion of a building. During construction, everyone is focused on a common task. Once it’s done, a new focus is needed. Without it, the church feels like it’s drifting and has no immediate goal. These feelings lead to conflict.

9. Loss of church membership. When membership decreases, people will look for a person or group to blame it on.

10. Increase in church size. As a church grows, its personality changes. Those who liked its personality before may have a hard time getting used to a new feel of the larger congregation.

Did any of your conflicts you thought of fit one of these categories?

If we are aware of why conflict happens and when it happens, we can redeem it and use it constructively. Instead of destroying the church, conflict can stimulate change, healing and growth.

But it is not enough to know why and when conflict occurs. We need to have the right attitude too. And that’s why we look to Jesus to see how he managed conflict.

Jesus is the Prince of Peace, and yet his life was constantly surrounded by conflict. Almost everything that Jesus did made the religious leaders unhappy or sparked some controversy and heated discussion. What made Jesus a peacemaker was not avoiding conflict but how handling it well.

Do you remember the story of the women caught in adultery in John chapter 8? It wonderfully illustrates how Jesus dealt with conflict.

While Jesus was teaching at the temple, a woman was brought before him. She had been caught in the act of adultery (I don’t know why they didn’t catch the man, too) and an angry mob assembled to stone her. The religious leaders asked Jesus if she should be put to death as the Law prescribed.

This was a trap that the religious leaders set for Jesus. They knew that Jesus was merciful and they were looking for a way to discredit him. They hoped that he would set the woman free so that they could accuse him of being soft on the Law. The religious leaders were out to get Jesus, and this poor women was simply the means.

Jesus defused the situation by saying “Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.” A few at a time, the mob disbanded. The crisis was over.

What I love about this story is that Jesus demonstrated what true peacemaking is all about.

1. Jesus was loving and patience with everyone even when being personally attacked. It is easy to see Jesus love for the women, but we might miss Jesus’ love for the religious leaders too. Jesus could have blasted them for being hypocrites. After all, they were not interested so much in upholding the Law as they are in trapping Jesus. He saw their hypocrisy and understood that he was being personally undermined. But rather than attack them, he looked for a way to show them mercy too. Can you be loving and patient with someone who is attacking you, and not hurt them back?

2. Jesus was not anxious even in the midst of an emotionally charged situation. While the religious leaders were open hostile, Jesus did not respond to the threat. In fact, while they were making accusations against the woman, Jesus doodled on the ground. He remained calm, focused and unaffected by they negativity around him. He wouldn’t allow himself to get sucked up into the frenzy. He would not get upset while being attacked. He remained calm.

This is something I’ve been able to do a lot in ministry. Michael and I attended Interim Pastor Training many years ago, an intense training for pastors who serve churches between permanent pastors. Oftentimes these churches are hurting or conflicted, so one of the things we learned was to be what they called “a non anxious presence.” So when something comes up here at church, and someone flies into my office in a flurry because there’s something terribly wrong, I try not to get upset about it. I try to stay calm and focused. You might misinterpret that as my not caring about it. That’s not true. I have been trained to be a non-anxious presence, to focus on finding a solution to the problem. Can you also be calm when faced with conflict?

3. Jesus reframed the question. This is a skill I’d like to develop more. Jesus had a way of seeing through the surface issues and getting to the heart of a matter. He challenged people’s assumptions and forced them to rethink their attitudes. Sometimes Jesus would do this by answering a question with a question. Next time someone is attacking you, try not to get defensive. Don’t try to give an answer right away. Try asking a question, and see whether you can get beyond the attack to see what that person really needs.

Jesus showed patience and mercy to all parties. He remained focused and non-anxious in the midst of an emotionally charge atmosphere. Jesus got to the heart of the matter.

That’s the kind of peacemaker I want to be. In the coming weeks, we’ll find out how to be peacemakers in all walks of life: at home, at work and at the church.